Pablo Escobar comes to Abu Dhabi

I wrote about facial hair two years ago and it's a hot topic within the UAE because to this day, it is still the most-read post on this entire blog (which doesn't say a whole lot).

For a blast down memory lane: "Barber shop or gents salon?" published Jan 2014

So I figured why ruin a good thing? Facial hair. Beards. Mustaches ... It's all good. 

But while brunching at the Belgian Beer Cafe last Friday, some friends and I came face-to-face with none other than international drug lord Pablo Escobar. The Colombian kingpin walked in wearing his sunglasses but he couldn't go incognito. We all knew it was him with that token mustache.

        credit: jnevindesigns

In reality, I was getting ready for a little date night with the wife when out of the blue, I decided to shave my face with shaving cream and a razor -- I'm talking a total clean shave here. It was the first time in about five years those white cheeks of mine had seen the light of day.

But just before I was about to finish the job, for no reason at all, I decided to keep the stache. I know what you're saying: Good call, brother. Indeed, mustaches are a sexy look. Everyone knows that, my wife included.

It wasn't until the next day at brunch when some friends said I looked like Escobar. I think they were already a few too many mimosas deep when they paid me such a generous compliment. 

Do you see the resemblance?

Or was that the real Pablo Escobar brunching in Abu Dhabi??

Top things to do while hosting visitors in Abu Dhabi

They do not come often but when visitors do touch down on UAE soil and take in that first breath of fresh desert air, I like to greet them with cold beer and a smile.

I was just kidding about that first part. You need a liquor license to drink alcohol in this country -- c'mon, everyone knows that -- but the smiles are free and I tend to give them out on a first-come, first-served basis.

Basically, when friends and family come to visit, my goal is to show them a good time and expose them to some of the cool things I have picked up during my short time here. I usually tell them to leave their preconceived notions about the Middle East at home and buckle up, because it's going to be a wild ride.

So if you are an expat living in Abu Dhabi and you're coming up short of things to plan for a friend visiting town (really?) then you need to read this must-do checklist carefully. If you are a tourist or someone considering a move to the UAE, these tidbits should help:

DISCLAIMER: My little brother Conor visited us for a week and we pulled all of this off despite me working four out of the seven nights he was in town. I have to chalk that up to having a cool wife, who hung out with him while I was at the office and for Conor being a cool traveler, who did not need me to hold his hand every second so he could have fun. The more trips you take with people, the more you realize that everyone travels differently. Word to the wise, my friend.

Day 1 (welcome to the desert)
- Flights from the other side of the world (Australia, America, etc.) usually arrive late at night and by that time, your weary traveling guest may be a little jetlagged so letting them sleep may be paramount.
- Pick them up at airport, take them to their hotel or to your place so you can show off your digs.
- Be sensitive to their sleeping needs.

Day 2 (start them out slowly)
- Let them lounge by the pool at your building or their hotel to get started. This will help them get acclimated to the desert heat and shake off the jetlag.
- Grab lunch at Cafe Arabia. Great local spot with a cool rooftop deck. Order the shakshuka if you are in a breakfast kind of mood.
- Show them where you work and give them a tour of your office. Introduce them to your work mates and let them see your desk. They will be curious what you are doing in the UAE for a job and of course, how much you are paid.
- Maybe a little happy hour at Captain Of Arms behind Le Meridian hotel. It's also near the Abu Dhabi Mall if they want to get some shopping in.

Day 3 (let's get this party started)
- Take them to the Grand Mosque and let them walk around and grab those obligatory Middle East photos. The GM is always a great spot to visit and should impress any visitor. Be sure to go early in the day to beat the heat and the other tourists. In a hurry? You can conquer this site in 20 minutes or just take your sweet time.
- Shoot on down to Emirates Palace, one of the grandest hotels in the world. Plenty to see as you walk around and yes, they DO have an ATM machine that dispenses gold bricks. They also have pools and beach action there if you feel like getting wet.
- Take the scenic drive down the Corniche and head to Saddiyat Island. There is golf, beach and museums there to indulge in. I always like to make a stop at FANR for some light cocktails and their famous camel burger.
- Finish it off with some drinks at the Saddiyat Beach Club, formerly the Monte Carlo Club, with some live music pool side. The beach is a very short walk away and the sunsets from there are very memorable.

Day 4 (the fun continues)
- Start day off with a beach visit to the Corniche. Sure, they may have saw the beach from the car already so now they are ready to dive right in. There are public beaches along this six-kilometer stretch and there are also private beaches where you can rent lounge chairs and umbrellas.
- Have lunch at Nova Beach Cafe. It's right on the public beach and will provide great people watching at one of the busiest spots on the Corniche. They have cafe tables outside and day beds to relax on.
- Any need for speed? Spend the afternoon at Al Forsan International Sports Resort, where you can do anything from paintball to shooting real firearms. But my favorite is the carting. If you bring a group of friends, try to reserve the track in advance. Every driver can register right there and your results are posted electronically after the 20-minute race. Not long enough? Trust me, your body will be feeling it after the checkered flag is waved.

Day 5 (time to catch your breath)
- This city is saturated with gaudy malls and they are popping up everywhere. Let your guests get overwhelmed in Marina Mall, Yas Mall or Al Wahda Mall -- a few of my favorites. Not that I am a big fan of these establishments but your visitor may want to take in some of the conspicuous consumption that has made the UAE famous.
- A few more non-established outlets could include the Iranian Souq E Meena Fish Market or the Souk Qaryat Al Beri.
- If there is any energy left after your shopping spree, then a desert safari should be in your afternoon plans. Most of the companies do a great job with this as it usually starts around 3pm and then get you back to Abu Dhabi around 11.30pm. There are plenty of companies here that offer different options -- all of them are usually great.

Day 6 (time to eat and drink)
- Friday is a day for brunch and here in Abu Dhabi, it can be done in style. Especially with guests in from out of town. Every hotel and even more restaurants offer different takes on brunch. The options are endless. I would have to devote an entire blog post to all my favorites. You get the idea.
- Brunch usually goes from noon to 4.30pm. Be sure to tell your guests to pace themselves because there are a lot of 'after-brunch' spots that offer more drink specials and live music.
- Be safe. Take cabs everywhere. Rock some Uber. The real heros last after the sun goes down but there is no fault in taking an afternoon siesta that stretches into the weekend. Cheers.

Day 7 (final stretch)
- Who said brunch is only for Fridays? One of my favorite spots in the UAE is Blue Marlin Ibiza and they offer a very chill brunch on Saturday mornings. They are located in between Dubai and Abu Dhabi so it's a great spot to meet new people.
- Lounge on the beach, take in their Mediterranean cuisine and dance your face off with the live music.
- But make sure you have a designated driver. They even offer DD's for you for an additional price.

*   *   *

By the time I dropped Conor off at the airport, he told me that it was one of the best trips he had ever taken and I can only attribute that to my amazing hosting abilities.

I know, so modest.

Some people think taking a vacation to the Middle East is some kind of dangerous experience. But like I've said countless times, the UAE is very different compared to what you are reading in newspapers and scoffing at on the television. Seeing it for yourself is the only way you will know.

I'm glad Conor took the chance. Just another satisfied customer.

Let it be known: My door is always open.

Yes, you CAN drink alcohol in the UAE

DISCLAIMER: We here at the Soggy Dirhams blog do not condone, participate or encourage excessive consumption of alcohol. We are not booze hounds. We are not sloppy. We do abide by all the strict alcohol regulations and rules in the United Arab Emirates and hold the utmost respect for those who enforce them. The purpose of this post is to prove to people living outside the Emirates that some of the far-fetched rumors they have heard about living here are indeed false. And on that note, Salud!

When my father caught wind of my plans to move to the UAE, he thought I was a little crazy. He said, "Son, there are two things they do not have over there: Women and booze. And I know you like both of those things..."

I love my dad and I always listen carefully to his words. But he was incorrect in that assesment for two reasons. Number 1) I am now happily married and I only have eyes for my beautiful wife. Isn't she gorgeous?

And Number 2) There is access to any type of alcohol you can think of in this country and even a few that are illegal in the West. But before I get ahead of myself, I can not stress this point enough: If you are caught drinking and driving here, even if a tiny drop of alcohol is in your system, YOU WILL GO TO JAIL FOR A VERY LONG TIME. If you come to visit or are thinking of re-locating here, it's just like going to any other country: please be conscience of their laws and regulations.

There are different bars and pubs in all of the hotels -- there are many across the UAE -- while you are also allowed to drink at your home, certain public sporting events and concerts and of course, at boozy brunch. Don't forget about the liquor stores, which usually close around 9pm daily.

Let's start with the pubs. There are many in Abu Dhabi and most stay open until 2 or 3am on the weekends. Just like where YOU live, right? As they are popular spots among Expats, the prices for drinks may get up in the stratosphere and the bartenders are usually clueless.

But sometimes, you will find that one gem and keep going back for more.

I have one qualm about bars here. Back in the States, like many people, I would generally go to certain pubs based on who is tending bar or if my friend was slinging the suds. Let's be honest, the best bartenders are usually the most experienced and knowledagle drinkers we know.

In the UAE, I guess bartending is not a very lucrative gig for Westerners so the industry usually attracts booze slingers from a junior-varsity team of mixologists. I have not received a drinkable martini since I moved here and good luck if you want a round of shots chilled.

The worst part is that the concept of visiting a friend's bar and going there just to see them is completely lost here. You know the song: Where everyboy knows your name...
Well, not in the UAE. Sigh.

Ahh, the boozy brunch. It is exactly what you think. And for a small price, every Friday, you can dine with the best of them as the all-you-can-drink champagne flows like water. Miranda and I have hit brunch at several hotels in Dubai and Abu Dhabi and every time we go, it never disappoints.

One law in the UAE that may seem different is that because this is a Muslim country and Muslims do not drink alcohol, non-Muslim residents need to have a liquor license in order to purchase it at a store or drink at home.

The access at my local liquor store is pretty solid as cases of beer are stacked to the cieling while different wines, hard liquor and even drinks that apparently make you hallucinate are available for purchase.

Walking out of the liqour store after a recent splurge, I decided to throw out my best Nicholas Cage impression from Leaving Las Vegas.

You know, Sin City and Abu Dhabi... Very similiar places.

As you can see, when you buy alcohol here, they put the bottles in a thick, black plastic bag as to not reveal to Muslims what you are carrying. As if the recognizable booze body bag doesn't give it away.

On more than one occasion, I have flagged down a cab but when they saw what I was carrying, they refused to give me a ride. The drivers, both times, were Muslims and didn't even want the alcohol in the trunk of their cab.

Drinking with friends and family at home is my favorite because we have a pretty cool balcony and there are no bars in this town that will show NFL games. And if there were two -- make that three things -- I would not compromise after moving to the UAE, it would be my woman, my booze and my football. Cheers.

Hosting friends in the UAE

When I lived in the sunny Caribbean, my house had a revolving door as friends, relatives (and some times, people I barely even knew) came for festive visits. They would come for a few days or maybe a week. One or two of my drifter buddies -- I won't name any names -- even tried to move in and play that infamous role of the guy on the couch.

I took it as a sign of my amazing hosting ability.

But after three years of countless visitors in the Virgin Islands, the steady flow of couch surfers came to a screeching halt as soon as I moved to Abu Dhabi. For shame.

In the 13 months we have lived in the UAE, only one man has actually stepped up to the plate and made good on a Middle East adventure visit. That man, who is highly-recognized across the globe, is none other that Sir Hensley of St. Croix.

On his way back to the States following a two-week bender in India, the 'Crucian Swimming Sensation' as he is also known, made a three-day stop in the desert and I think his life was changed forever.

I was so excited for his visit, I took two days off of work and pretended to be a bright-eyed tourist for the weekend so we could see all the sights together.

This wasn't your typical international bromance excursion. We drank the finest spirits, indulged in the best cuisine and even made the 123-story trek up the tallest building in the world. It was all the cool stuff I have been wanting to do since I moved here. But I guess I just never really had the motivation.

The photo below documents when Hensley got yelled at for wearing too many clothes at the Corniche. No joke. In a Muslim country, Hensley was reprimanded because he put his foot in the water while wearing jeans. That is the security guard in the background. Hensley was very perplexed.

But he quickly got over one of the many blatant contradictions in this country and settled in for a delightful lunch on Saadiyat Island. At Fanr Restaurant, next to where they are building Abu Dhabi's Louvre Museum, we enjoyed afternoon beers under the sun and munched on camel burgers.

Yes, you heard me right: we ate camel burgers.

It was delicious. Tasted like lamb -- which is usually what is in the burgers here -- but it had some undertones of meatloaf in it. All of the camel burgers, our faithful waiter said, are served well done.

From there, we moved on to visit Miranda at her work, the Fairmont Bab Al Bahr Hotel, for a few more poolside cocktails. Look at Hensley here. So happy to explore.

A quick visit to the Souk Qaryat Al Beri for some sushi was followed by some live music at the Jazz Bar and then a sophisticated trip to Heroes, a self-described 'scruffy sports bar' popular with Expats. Only the finest people in this fair city regularly visit Heroes. As we left later that night, I shook hands with each of the doormen and the front register girl and exclaimed 'Best bar in Abu Dhabi!' Fortunately, they did not sense a whiff on my sarcasm.

We didn't stop there. The next day was dominated by a boozy brunch in Dubai followed by a trip to the top of the Burj Khalifa.

Shortly after, Hensley was on a plane and back in America before he even knew what hit him. Cheers, old mate! It was an honor hosting our first stateside visitor. Your certificate will be arriving in the mail in 7-10 business days.

And if you or anyone you know would like to follow in Hensley's footsteps and make a visit to the fine country we call the United Arab Emirates, please send a self-addressed envelope to:

AARON GRAY
Finest Expat Host in the UAE, Inc.
PO Box 111434
Abu Dhabi

Ask Hensley for yourself: Middle East adventures of the highest caliber await.

A little brunch action in the UAE

Back when I was a wee lad, my mother would take me to a Bob's Big Boy restaurant and we would indulge in their breakfast buffet. The whole gluttony of food concept was just taking off in the States at the time.

All you can eat? Sounds like a challenge to me.

For a youngster, there was nothing better than getting chocolate chip pancakes with syrup and powdered sugar on top, followed by a bowl of Fruit Loops and perhaps a visit to the make-your-own-sundae bar to top it all off.

More than twenty years later and the game has changed a bit. Now the words 'breakfast buffet' have been replaced with 'brunch' and in the UAE, there's no cereal but enough champagne to drown a thirsty French mob.

First off, let me mention that around these parts, the boozy brunch every Friday is a big social scene. Gals get dressed up, dudes bring their appetites and everyone goes hard.

Just about every major hotel hosts one but the best one is at the Fairmont Hotel in Abu Dhabi.

Different action stations represent different regions from around the world.

They send an army of servers around to make sure your champagne glass is never half empty and the cooks are always there to slice your prime rib or put gravy on just about anything...

My make-your-own-sundae days have sort of passed me by but anyone with a sweet tooth could do some serious damage here. As you can see, the spread was incredible.

There's usually live music or a DJ in the house and after everyone gets their fill and are slightly buzzed, most revelers retreat to the pool to relax or just to keep the party going. I've even seen post-brunch dance parties take shape. It's the perfect start to any weekend.

Courteous question: A little whiskey in your dessert coffee, sir?
Obvious response: Of course, only a proper brunch will do.