Having a baby in UAE: Choose hospital wisely

When researching a potential venue to stage the birth of your first child, fathers usually have a solid list where several bullets need to be checked off before we even consider a certain hospital.

Fellas: This is some truth right here. For the ladies, please bear with me...

Cleanliness of the facility, experience and friendliness of the staff along with the proximity to your home are some things that usually factor pretty high on these hospital checklists. Miranda did a good job of keeping tabs on these oh-so-important details.

For me, I demanded unequivocal access to a television inside our hospital room so I could binge-watch Breaking Bad (my latest obsession). The nearest fast-food restaurant was also important to me because I knew there would be some long hours ahead (probably spent watching Walter White and his crazy crystal meth shenanigans). And Wifi was essential because two (2) fantasy football drafts were also on the agenda.

We gave Burjeel Hospital a gander and Miranda was not impressed at all. There was talk about hitting up the Corniche Hospital but word on the street was that is had recently been swallowed up whole by the locals and that our kind were not welcome around those parts (this was never verified).

When we pulled into the parking lot next to BrightPoint Royal Women's Hospital, I knew we had just stumbled upon a gold mine.

Yes, I know. That is a picture of a football pitch. You are very observant.

Al Jazira Stadium is considered to be the UAE's national stadium but before you get lost in its mystic, I have to divert your attention toward that tall tower on the left side of the photo. That is our hospital. Within its walls is where my child entered this world. And yes, I did request a room with a window. With a view. Of the pitch.

The good people at BrightPoint were happy to accommodate me and my request. When I told the nurses that I worked for the sports section at The National, they replied that they had the best seats in the house for home matches. I had to agree with them. We were on the ninth floor and that bird's-eye view was a pretty interesting perspective.

When we checked into our stadium/hotel/hospital room, Miranda needed help unloading her comfy-cozy clothes and supplies but I had no time for that. During my search for the nearest electrical socket -- I was just seconds away from launching a Breaking Bad marathon up in that joint -- I gave a quick gander out the window.

Al Jazira is a club team from the local UAE professional league but on that day, I noticed the stadium workers had climbed to the highest nose-bleed seats in the stadium to hang up FIFA flags.

Then it hit me: The UAE national team was going to host Malaysia in a 2018 World Cup qualifier the same night we were scheduled to have our baby. And I had a perfect seat for all the (football and baby) action.

Fast forward eight hours...

It was a frantic moment. My wife was in obvious pain, the machine that measured her labor contractions was making all types of loud noises and the worst part: There wasn't a single nurse to be found.

I was scrambling through the hospital hallways looking for help. A doctor, a nurse, a janitor -- anyone! My wife needed immediate assistance and it was on me to locate the trained professionals. As I started to sprint through the building, I became very desperate for help. I started to sweat. My nerves were getting the best of me. I was scared.

WHERE IS EVERYBODY? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON??

I burst into a door that I had not checked yet and discovered this...

Every nurse on the floor had gone AWOL and instead of attending to their nursing duties, they crowded into the "Baby Nursery Room" to watch as the UAE demolished the visitors 10-0.

It was the largest margin of victory for the Emirates in World Cup qualifying history. The Malaysia coach resigned due to complete embarrassment and this was the sport front page the next day:

OK, so long story short: my wife is a champion and we eventually had our beautiful daughter. I think it's completely obvious now that she will be a future footballer. Or if you're reading this while in America or Australia, I meant to say she will flourish in the brilliant sport of soccer.

And to confirm this fact, Miranda and I took baby Harper to her first professional football match when she was just three weeks old. She loved it so much she decided to take a snooze.

For any expecting parents in or around the UAE: If you have any direct questions about what it was like to give birth in Abu Dhabi, the different hospital options, doctors, the access to drugs, birth certificate shenanigans, etc. please send me an email (aarongray2337@gmail.com) and I will respond promptly. Trust me, we know what it's like to not get straight-forward answers from trained professionals here. All I can do is tell you exactly how our situation played out and offer my wholehearted advice. Cheers.