Adventures in Cyprus

Living in the UAE puts you right in the middle of the world. Literally. Places we would not have dreamed of visiting while we lived in the States are now in the palm of our hand.

Sri Lanka, Kenya, Turkey... the list goes on and on.

So when my lovely wife had a small window of time in between starting her new job, we packed our bags, booked some cheap flights and zipped out of the sweaty desert for a few days.

When we first touched down in the Mediterranean island of Cyrpus, it looked like a Euro-trash Spring Break party straight out of the trailer park. Thirsty and mischievous teenagers crammed the passport arrival check-in desk. Backwards hats were everywhere.

Luckily, all those young hooligans got on a bus to Ayia Nappa and were never seen again. I'm sure that's a great part of the island but my wife and I just wanted to chill out. Entering a wet T-shirt contest or bonging a bottle of Jagermeister was not on our itinerary.

Instead, we sipped white wine and watched the world go by from quaint cafes in Nicosia. We strolled the marina in Kyrenia and did our best to shun aggressive locals trying to get us on their cruise boat. We gawked at sun-burned tourists in Paphos and melted together while watching the sunset.

It was the perfect getaway. And to spend that time with someone you love makes it even more special.

She is quite lovely. A perfect traveling companion.

I like her because she is always down to try anything. That includes the local cuisine.

Everyone loves to eat well while on vacation and we were no different. There were strong Greek and Turkish influences, fresh mezze with every meal and did I mention the wine?

And of course, some hilarious things happened, too.

I was shocked when I realized that in Cyrpus, they drive on the left side and the wheel is on the right side. I found that out as soon as I walked off the plane and approached the Budget rental car desk. That took a few days getting used to as I ripped our little compact car through the mountains.

On the Greek side of the island, most of the signs had English translations. The Turks, on the other hand, don't give a shit so we got lost while driving. Quite often.

When we asked for directions after crossing the border, the agent asked me a question in Turkish -- more than once -- and when I did not have a Turkish response for him, he decided to search our car and all our belongings. It was very strange.

For some reason, people assumed I was Turkish. It must be the nose. Or my beard? As long as I did not speak, my street credit was solid. But the gig never lasted very long.

To watch the US-Belgium match in the World Cup, we confidently strolled up to some dingy bar on the strip in Paphos and the manager thought he recognized us so he awarded us with two free shots just for walking into his bar. It was actually a very official welcome. He wrote down Two Free Shots on a scrap piece of paper, handed it to me and showed us to our table.

During another boozy encounter, while slugging watered-down Tequila shots at a pool bar in Paphos, a teenage bartender asked us with a serious face, "Why are you guys even here?" I was taken aback by her honesty. I think she was hinting that we were staying at a family resort and no one had ordered Jose Cuervo at that bar since 1995.

The best part of our trip was when we drove up the Karpaz Peninsula (in the red box below). Everyone we talked to asked us why we would take such a long excursion and advised us that it would be boring. We found it to be the best day of the entire trip.

We would just pull off the road at random times to take in the sights and stop and these little beach bars. If we had done better research, we would have stayed a least one night at the Big Sand Beach Bungalows. We stopped in for a beer and good conversation.

No need to describe the place. Just check out their video:



Along the peninsula, it was nothing but amazing scenery, quiet landscapes and some skinny-dipping in broad daylight (Sorry, no pictures). That basically checks all my boxes for a good vacation.

Cyprus is an interesting island with a very divided history. Now I finally understand why my good friend from high school, Alexi, who comes from a strong Greek family, absolutely despises Turkey.

Sometimes, you just have to go to places and figure it out for yourself.

Cheers, Alexi.

The UAE is an interesting place

When I talk with friends back in the States, they always have so many questions about the UAE. What is the cost of living? How conservative is the government? Do you want fries with that??

It is almost impossible to fully paint the picture of a new place unless you come and experience it for yourself. Everyone knows that, right? So my short answer to the many inquires is "it is an interesting place."

And it is. A quick glance through our daily newspaper The National will always prove that. Just last week, you could read these three headlines in the local news section:

Abu Dhabi police arrest 231 beggars during Ramadan

OK, pretty harsh but what about this one...

UAE road safety: even giving away child seats for free failed

For some reason, despite all conventional wisdom, UAE parents believe that it is safer for a child to be held in an adult's arms while riding in a car, that child seats are unnecessary or 'heartless', and they take up too much space in the car. Wow. Two thumbs up.

UAE plans to send unmanned probe to Mars by 2021

So this means when the country is not busy arresting beggars or letting toddlers run amok in the back seat of a moving vehicle, they like to develop billion-dirham space operations in their spare time. Fascinating.

This, my friend, is the UAE.

Watching the World Cup on TV in Abu Dhabi

There are not many solid answers I can provide in a very questionable place like Abu Dhabi but one true opinion I can express (and not get incarcerated for it) is that the people who live within these UAE borders are addicted to football.

It is a healthy addiction. If you take away all the shisha smoke and late nights...

Every four years, when the World Cup rolls around, their addiction can be witnessed in full force at all hours of the night. Ramadan does not get in the way and when there is no where to sit, it is just a simple challenge they will easily overcome. They usually just sit on the ground.

Now picture this: Because of the tournament, I have been getting out of the office between midnight and 1am each night. When something like a hairdryer hits me in the face as I march out the back door and into the steamy darkness, children as young as 9 years old are seen kicking a little soccer ball around a dusty alley nearby. Remember, it's 1 in the morning and these children are impersonating Lionel Messi in the middle of the night without any adult supervision around.

When I cross the street en route to my normal taxi pick-up spot, I pass a rundown shisha lounge that is usually collecting dust during the very stagnate lunch hours. But when the match is on at night -- most World Cup matches start at midnight in the UAE -- there are so many people packed in the lounge that the unlucky ones now have their faces smeared against the front window glass in an attempt to grab just an obstructed view of the television.

Like all the neighborhood shisha lounges sprinkled across Abu Dhabi, they do not serve alcohol so essentially what you have is all Arab men (not a woman in sight) sucking on their own personal shisha hoses while each and every one of them are transfixed on the television. Nothing can be heard but the bubbling sound of a shisha hookah. That, and of course, the exaggerated Arabic TV commentator getting way too excited about a midfield pass sequence.

It is easy to grab a taxi at the corner because everyone who is anyone is already watching the match. The No 1 subject of conversation between myself and the cab driver is, you guessed it, the World Cup. I always ask them who their favorite player is. I always tell myself to tip him extra if he does not mention Messi, Ronaldo or Neymar. I have not been giving out many big tips this month.

During the 10-minute drive to my building, we pass several more establishments showing the action as the local football addiction gets more fierce. At one particular restaurant, they have a projector screen showing the match outside. It's over 100 degrees out. No problem. The people will still come.



Not only will they come, but after they have reached their max and the patio is filled to the brim, a gaggle of day laborers decide it's a good idea to sit and stand on the nearby sidewalk -- only a few feet from a busy four-lane road -- as the only thing between them and the skewed view of the screen is a huge bush. That group of the 'sidewalk watchers', as I like to call them, has been growing in numbers each day this month.

"Crazy place we live in, huh?" I ask the taxi driver, who has to swerve just a bit to avoid one of the addicts. I usually sit in the front seat so I always get a response to local inquiries.

(in broken English) "Where are you from? The States? They don't really like football there. You guys like things like Michael Jordan, McDonald's and ... Israel."

For good reason, the cab ride finished in silence.

When I got to my building, you could see the activity brewing before I even stepped out of the car. I guess I live in more of an upscale place, based on the number of traditional white Emirati gandooras you see packed into the over-priced coffee shops. It's like walking through a sea of white on my way to the elevator.

Once again, nothing can be heard but a few murmurs from the addicts and that Arabic TV commentator, who will probably need a pacemaker before the tournament is over.

My favorite part of the night is when I get to my front door and wonder if my beautiful wife -- a converted football fan for the month -- is still awake or not. On this particular night, she decided to turn in early. But before she retired, she left me a sweet note on the counter and connected my computer to the TV with my favorite hacker sports streaming web site all ready to go.

This is the best way to watch the World Cup. With my feet up on my own couch and the volume turned all the way down so my sweetie can get her beauty sleep. And who really wants to listen to that Arabic TV commentator have a heart attack anyway?

World Cup action in the UAE

The World Cup comes around every four years and coincidentally, it's the same exact time many American sports fans like to...

A) hate on soccer
B) get on the bandwagon
C) become completely mystified about why the US team does not win every single game, just proving how ridiculous Americans can sometimes appear to the rest of the world.

One thing we can all agree on is money.

Everyone loves to gamble on the World Cup, right?

But what happens when you live in a country that does not allow gambling?? The UAE never fails to entertain me. So instead of wagering on certain teams, let's just put all our faith in a camel. Check that, I meant a hungry camel looking for a date.

Bare with me here...

Some octopus -- I think his name was Paul -- grabbed headlines in 2010 when it successfully picked random winners at the World Cup in South Africa. His selections actually started to pan out and people made millions.

Two months later, Paul passed away and became sushi. It was such an emotional story.

Fast forward four years.

Since there are not many octopus here in the Middle East, our newspaper The National let a few local racing camels make a few picks ahead of the 2014 tournament.

Credibility was suspect when one of the UAE camels picked Croatia to beat Brazil in the opener. Other erring animals include Flopsy the Kangaroo in Australia, Mani the parakeet in Singapore, Madame Shiva the guinea pig in Switzerland, Pele the piranha in Britain and Big Head the turtle from Brazil.

On an unrelated note, I am going to a friend's going-away party tomorrow at Fanr Restaurant in Abu Dhabi. What is their specialty, you ask? Camel burgers.

Maybe at the next World Cup, they will let Black Angus beef cattle pick some of the winners or how about a few Maine lobsters? It does not matter -- win, lose or draw -- you need to get in my belly! 

Flag football in the desert

When people ask me about the heat here, I always have one decent analogy.

Hold a hairdryer a few inches from your face and that's what it feels like every time you walk outside -- morning, noon or night -- during the summer in Abu Dhabi.

So the temperatures are consistently over 100 degrees Fahrenheit? Big whoop. Instead of hunkering down in the air conditioning, why not put some flags around your waist and get out on the grid iron?

Some office mates and I formed a flag football team for a tournament last month at Zayed Sports City and we went up against five other teams full of overweight, out-of-shape weekend warriors.

Our record? A miserable 0-3.

But we did not sulk. We did not point fingers. And for the record, we had the most wives, girlfriends and female well-wishers on our sideline. We were also the first team inside the bar afterwards. A true indication of winning.

The tournament was such a success that a five-week league has been designed. The games are played at night so it provides a little relief from that blazing sun.

And since our tournament drubbing, our quarterback has taken it upon himself to draw up an offensive game plan that will make Peyton Manning's head spin. We also now have over-sized wristbands with all the plays on it so we are going no-huddle.

The best part is we now have a handful of Emiratis on the team, one of which had never tossed a pigskin before he came to the first practice.

So while the Yanks try not to pass out from heat exhaustion, the fate of the team rests on the locals. These fine gentlemen -- who probably have never heard of Peyton Manning -- have no qualms with the desert heat and because of that, they will surely lead us to glory.

Living the VIP life in Abu Dhabi

Well like most social affairs in Abu Dhabi, the evening started out of with some light cocktails and sophisticated conversation over a game of backgammon.

In reality, Steve L got things going by telling me all about his favorite parts on the female body. As you can see by my reaction, I am quite amused and so enthralled by his argument, that I later subscribed to his weekly newsletter.

Be that as it may, it was my birthday.

My wife made some calls -- because she's smooth like that -- and set up a festive evening that was complete with delicious fare, strong rum drinks, bottle service at one of our favorite clubs and three different birthday cakes. Yes, somehow three cakes were involved. Crazy.

The cocktails at Trader Vic's at the Beach Rotana Hotel were strong and plentiful. We had a 20-person group so the good folks at the restaurant separated us into two big tables.

"I had no idea you were so popular," Steve said when we sat down.

"Oh, most of the guests were hired for the evening," I joked.

Steve's eyes lit up with anticipation as he started to straighten his eye brows.

"No, not that kind of hired guests," I scolded. "Get your head out of the gutter."

The strong rum drinks were starting to get on top of us just before some tequila shots decided to sneak into the party. 

My good mate Liam got me a shot glass for my birthday -- yes, I just turned 21 -- and right after the server took upon himself to fill up the skull-engraved shot glass with Jagermeister is when the night really started to get wild.

This was also about the same time our hired photographer also started to feel the effects of strong alcohol, as evident by his blurry photos. So after the restaurant, he just tried to keep up the best he could, as we ventured to the Intercontinental Hotel for our VIP reserved tables at the Yacht Club.

Getting bottle service at a club is always a great time. I wish I could do it every time I went out but that would put me straight into the poor house. 

Most of our friends did not know of our "VIP" plans and were pretty shocked when they saw the reserved tables and the bottles of vodka waiting for us. Champagne and cake were also involved.

It sure did put a smile on Steve's face.

As you can imagine, the evening quickly elevated to rockstar status. Miranda is the most amazing wife in the world because she set the entire thing up. I love that woman. 

A few people asked me why we went big on my 34th birthday, suggesting that 35 should be the milestone. Well, we looked at it like we wanted to see what a VIP birthday in Abu Dhabi could bring and we found out. It was an easy equation: Good friends, good food, strong drink and lots of dancing is good for the soul.

Miranda wasn't done there. The last part of the equation was recovery time and we got that when she surprised me the next day with a little getaway to St. Regis Hotel on Saadiyat Island. It was a beautiful place to spend quality time with with my lovely wife, drink plenty of water and recover.

I guess I'm getting old.

Concerts at Dubai Media City Amphitheatre

Eric Clapton melted some faces at the Dubai Media City Amphitheatre last month:



Who would have thought the old guy can still lay it down? 

I grabbed these tickets sort of on a whim because the concert was the day after my wife and I got back from a seven-day adventure in Sri Lanka. Plus, we had never been to the venue before so we didn't know what to expect.

It quickly become our new favorite place to see a show. Very intimate, not overwhelming and they served booze so you know I enjoyed it.

There is a great view of some nearby skyscrapers and the lawn seating reminded me of some chilled-out venues from back in the States. 

We're going back there tomorrow for the first day of the Blended Festival, which will feature a mix of blues, roots, jazz, soul and folk music. We're going to see Aloe Blacc, Joss Stone and Xavier Rudd. Pretty sweet lineup, huh? 

A lot of popular musical acts come through the UAE while traveling in from Europe or to Asia and why not? A huge pay day is always waiting for you in the desert. Just a word of advice for the rockers: don't disrespect your surroundings or you will find your ass in the slammer.

Check out this story published in The National yesterday about a heavy-metal drummer from the band, the Scorpions, who has been jailed in Dubai for the last month because he got drunk, ran his mouth about Islam and allegedly pulled down his pants and showed his ass to someone. In the article, they refer to it as 'his bottom', which I think is hilarious.

That may be a rockstar move back in the States but not here, buddy. 

So showing off your derriere to random folks on the street is against the law in the UAE (ahem, just like everywhere else in the world) but our common fix for good concerts is usually met. Just don't expect the Scorpions to be playing here anytime soon. 

Who listens to those guys, anyway?